Oh what a week, I think I love weeks like this.  I’ll let you know later.  I’ve had a really sweet time with the Lord this week.  Particularly one day as I was driving reflecting on the previous day.  The subject of dating had been the topic amongst some friends.  We had a great conversation and it never hurts to let them know that you’re available for introductions to eligible bachelors.  So as I was driving the next day I found myself in conversation with the Lord, and the words came out of my mouth, ‘I’m ok having cancer but not ok being single.’  Now, it took me a minute because I couldn’t believe I had just really said that.  But it was out there and I couldn’t take it back if I tried.  It wouldn’t matter, He already knew because he knows my thoughts and I’ve thought it plenty of times.  I decided to leave that conversation in the car and went on with my evening.  Trust me, I knew better than to think it was over, He was just going to let me chew on my words for a while.  And I did. 

The next morning, I found myself reading His word and you guessed it, here it comes….’Jennifer, do you trust me?’  I’m a little stubborn, so this isn’t the first time He’s asked me that.  I recognized His voice clearly, even more so when He took me to His word that he had given me a year ago.  I love it when He takes me back, it always reminds that He never forgets.  So we continued our conversation.  (I’ll share a little but you aren’t privied to the whole thing.)  One might think that I had this great intense time with the Lord, and sometimes I do but this one was quite humorous to me as we shared some laughs over the subject.  Sometimes that’s how we are.  I won’t soon forget this conversation, as I prayerfully surrendered and laid my anxious heart at the cross.  I laughed out loud at my next comment to him.  In typical Jenn fashion, I reminded him that I’m sure I’ll be back to pick it up and carry it on my own because that’s what I do.  We laughed and he reminded me that He already knows. 

I share this to be transparent and for accountability.  I know I’m not alone.  Many of my friends and I have shared this conversation with one another and we all struggle.  He loves us just the same and has a plan so much bigger than ours.  To our married friends, we know you have lots of ‘advise’ and we love that you care for us so much to encourage us.  But trust me when I say, we’ve heard it all.  🙂  Keep it coming though because one of these days we’re going to write the book and you don’t want to be left out.  I say that with a light heart and laughter, no offense meant to anyone.  The grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it.

And one final word, I found this last night and have to share:

My Paper Heart

How do I start this?  I am in awe of what the Lord has done in me.  This has been the hardest, scariest, most rewarding year of my life.  I have known sorrow and I have known joy.  God has spoken quietly the words of His heart and He has shown me colors in the grayest hues of winter.  He has sung songs over me in solitude and He has never let go of my fragile, paper heart.  He knows every corner of it – the tattered, torn and untouched places.  He knows the songs that move it, the words that pierce it and the people He uses to change it.  I am forever safe in His hands.  In turn I say to you.  Beloved, let Him romance you with the things that He alone knows will take your breath away.  He longing for you.  Can you hear Hm calling?

Francesca Battistelli

My Paper Heart

“Trust God from the bottom of your heart don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go, he’s the one who will keep you on track.”  — Proverbs 3:5-6 (The Message)



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9 responses to “Confession

  1. And the conversations will continue. Looking forward to seeing what He has in store. Thanks for your friendship and for your continued testimony.

  2. Shareese Rowland

    Glad to hear about your week. it makes me smile just picturing you laughing out loud with the Lord.
    Have a wonderful weekend,

  3. I love it when you get to have a conversation that makes His heart chuckle:)

    I’m not going to give you any advice, just share about a time before I met Rocky, when I was so desperately lonely and desperately seeking “The Man” that all these losers kept getting in the way. I finally cried out “LORD! I AM SO SICK OF THIS! WHERE IS HE ALREADY?” I had this intensive list (written, it may as well have been laminated and framed…) of the qualities that I HAD to have in my mate. They were non-negotiable (although the losers that got in the way? Totally never matched up.) character traits, likes, dislikes and talents. After I laid out flat on my face bawling like a baby, the Father asked me the same thing He asked you “Do you trust me?”. The hardest thing I’d ever had to do at that point was required of me if I answered “Yes.”. I did. He then said “Then give Me your list. Rip it up, throw it away, let Me have it.”
    Jaw Drop.
    “Then you don’t trust me. Don’t you believe that I have the absolute best in mind for you? Don’t you think that I have the 411 on the exact man of your dreams? Do you think YOU could create someone better than I could? Trust me. I know the desires of your heart, and I know what you need.” (Maybe not in so many words, but you get the idea.)

    So, with a lot of resistance and pain, I surrendered all the things I’d spent years searching for and praying for in a husband. I let it all go. 3 days later I met Rocky. The process behind that is a whole different story, totally different than any other dating relationship I’d had to that point.

    I know it won’t happen that quickly for everyone, I don’t know why it did for me, but that’s just the way the Father worked it out.

    I hope that encourages you some:)

    This may also sound CRAZY, but there are moments when I really miss living alone and being single.

  4. Karen

    This blog made me smile and giggle outloud.
    As one of those “married” friends you mentioned…..I wont give you great “green advise”.
    Ok maybe I will. LOL.
    Leave it at his feet and DONT pick it up. Easier said than done, I know all to well. He DOES know your heart and your desires…Jerm 29:11. and wants them fullfilled. I believe with all my heart as your friend (since we were in high school) that he WILL fullfill that.
    My mom used to tell me when I was waiting on Mr. Right, was the” God may have me ready for him but may not have him ready for me.”
    I liked that because it made me think , ok so Im good to go just not him, and by george I wanted to make sure he was 100% cleared and check by God before I got him. hehehe., and he was at just that perfect God time.
    Looking back its amazing to me to see how God brings 2 lives together that only he could do.
    Leave it at this feet friend. But here’s my great married adivice for you. Pray for your future husband. I know you dont know who he is, but pray for him, then when God does reveal him to you what a awesome gift you have already given to him by praying for him as his futuer wife.
    Love ya jenn,

  5. Jenn, I love you so much!!! You’re such an inspiration to me! I know that God has wonderful things in store for you! It seems all my life I have waited much longer than I had planned for everything but God had much better plans in mind. He finally gave me Mr. Right (you know how wonderful D is…most of the time) and I waited foever for kids and now I have 5 beauties! God wants to bless your socks off! I’m a true testimony of that! It of course was never in my timing but definitely worth the wait!
    Again, your writing is beautiful and I love being able to keep up with you every day!
    Continue to be strong in the Lord and expect great things….wait! Was that marriage advice? Sorry!

  6. Kristie

    I could totally hear your voice in my head as I read that and it kept me laughing.
    Hope you are having a great week. Call me! Miss you.

  7. Kristie

    so, i just figured out that i can check the little box below and it’ll email me when you make a post. i’m not too bright sometimes.

  8. Deanne

    thanks for sharing your heart – if you haven’t written a book – you should! loved the paper heart too!

  9. Mom

    This morning, before I read this, I was just thinking and being thankful that you had so many friends in Dallas. I was reflecting that for the first time, that I could remember, you were surrounded with more single friends than married friends and what a blessing that was. Not taking anything away from your married friends because I know what treasures they are but just comforted by knowing your social life. I can just see you having that conversation and your logic but I admire your surrender to the father, who I know you trust.

    Love Ya!

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