Something has changed today. I believe that it began yesterday. You see, I have been processing everything in ramped up time. It wasn’t until yesterday that some things began to surface. Some one very innocently, well-intentioned said to me “I understand”, my so and so had cancer. They were speaking in love and trying to comfort me the best way they knew how. It was in that moment that I realized, “no, no you don’t”. You see, I am blessed with many people who are loving and caring for me in abundance. But there is one thing that can only be provided by someone who has lived it and that is true knowledge. Knowing what it feels like to have a doctor look you in the face and utter those 3 words you never want to hear, “You have cancer”. You see, there is nothing like that. It is indescribable.
So today, I took one of the biggest steps I will take in this journey, I reached out to someone who is ‘like me”, 34 single female 8 months ahead of me on this journey. I was able to say “help me understand and KNOW”. She did, she shared a summary and offered a phone number with call anytime, day or night. Because she knows, she knows where I am, what’s to come and those fears you never voice. I have a great appreciation for her and I haven’t even met her yet.
Although she offers something not everyone can, she doesn’t replace any of you. I am who I am because all of you have loved me, encouraged me and inspired me from near and far. I’ve had a visual from the Lord each time I sit down to write, it is one of Moses standing on the mountain and he has his arms raised toward heaven praising God and others come along side him and hold his arms up for him. That is what I see when I think of all of you. As I stand to praise and honor our Father thru this journey I see all you alongside me holding my arms up. I will confess, there are times I feel alone but I’ve never felt lonely as I continue to read your words and listen to your messages. I love you all and together we will one day stand on the mountain and throw a celebration that surpasses all celebrations.
Hey, I figure since I made it to 34 and haven’t had a wedding celebration yet might as well throw a party and I can’t imagine any better reason than to celebrate the life I have been given. Love you all, thanks for letting me share my inner thoughts.
“Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, O Lord. They rejoice in your name all day long; they exult in your righteousness.” — Psalm 89:15-16
“In my integrity you uphold me and set me in your presence forever.” — Psalm 41:12