I was so shocked and surprised by my party Saturday night that I forgot to update all of you about my test results on Friday. The good news is I got some more information since then so it’s better news than I originally thought.
First, if you haven’t seen the video from Sunday’s post, talk about shock….that’s me!!! My friends did a great job at keeping a secret for weeks (hmmmm) and no one let it slip even once. The amazing part of that is several of them had breakfast at my place on Saturday morning and no one slipped. Maybe that’s why they were all so quiet over breakfast? Just kidding. On a serious note, I was completely awe struck at the outpouring of love my friends demonstrated. They touched me deeply during a season that has tested me to my core. I will never forget this year and not because of the cancer because of all of you that have poured into my life. I love you all.
Now on to the the forgotten post, my CT results…the cancer in lymph node is not showing up! That means that it is most likely shrinking. Two spots have developed on my lungs, don’t panic, let me explain. Both my oncologist and the radiation doctor believe these spots are from the radiation because they are in the radiation field. After further conversation with Dr. Munoz (radiation) these spots are probably scar tissue from the radiation. Although, we’d prefer them not be there, we will watch them. He says because they did not show “positive activity” during the PET scan (early January) he’s not overly concerned. He also confirmed that the spot in the lymph node not showing up means that it is shrinking. Yay God.
On another happy note, I started a new community group tonight at Watermark. I met 6 amazing women. I’m excited to see where this journey is taking us. I’m not surprised at all at the stories and how God may knit our lives together. I continue to celebrate all that He is doing through this season.
“Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.” Isaiah 12:2
First things first, my MRI results are in and my brain is all clear. I wasn’t worried but I have to admit there is something unsettling when you know it’s a possibility. It’s one of those things you don’t know you have to worry about until someone tells you too. There will always be a possibility that it could spread to any part of my body. I choose not to worry nor be anxious about it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past 3 months that I hadn’t grasped in the past 34 years, I can’t control it but I can control how I respond. So, I won’t allow worry and fear to grip me. I will praise the Father for His continued protection and healing. I’m still amazed at the stamina that He continues to give me. It’s funny how the doctors and nurses ask me daily if I’m o.k. and my answer is still the same “yes”. I will admit that I feel the fatigue more this week than I did last week but I just get through it. I will not give into it. I rest when I need to but I refuse to stop living my life. Besides, someone’s got to work to pay the bills, cancer isn’t cheap.
The next results we’re waiting for are from the CT Scan, those should be in on Friday. That will tell us if the cancer in the lymph node has responded to the chemo and radiation. By the way, I started my new radiation today. It is much different. It’s this small disk, about the size of a 1/2 dollar with a tiny tube attached and it delivers radiation straight to the spot where the second tumor was. It’s fascinating to me how all of this works. I am reminded daily of a whole new world that I’ve been introduced to through my cancer. There is so much out there that we are unaware of because it never touches our lives. You just never know. I’m grateful for the people I’ve met and the talents and skills that they have to be able to provide the best medical care for me. If ever there’s a time I’m reminded that God shapes us all to contribute to something greater than ourselves it is now.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” — Isaiah 41:10
Sample pictures of what I had done today, seems they can’t take real pictures for me. (stinkin HIPA laws) Oh well, these will have to do…..
Brain MRI, I had a fancy little “cage” over my face and something to hold my head still. Lots of fun for the claustrophobic girl. Needless to say, a little nap and good music passed the time. The second photo is a look at what I’ve done for the past 28 days called Radiation.
Well, here I sit, reclined in my chair chatting with a friend and listening to the slow hum of the IV machine next to me. I’ve come to accept it as part of my life. My heart is full as I reflect on the many friends who continue to take turns to sit with me. As think about it, twice a week I come for treatment and never have I had to worry about a ride or company while I receive my treatment. Someone has always been here, I am most comforted knowing that I am not on this journey alone. God continues to bless me beyond measure and I celebrate all that He continues to provide through this season.
Here’s what a day at chemo looks like…….
“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” — Romans 12:2
“Look to the LORD and his strength;
seek his face always.
Remember the wonders he has done,
his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,” — Psalm 105:4-6
I’ve had such a great relaxing day. I awoke early, 7:30a seems to be my new norm. I started my day with a fire, cup of coffee and some time with the Father. It was there I became so excited about what’s to come. I am in a sweet, sweet place with the Lord and my life. There are days that are frustrating but the sweetest days follow. This weekend He has provided so much for me. I’ve been blessed with great times with friends all weekend. I sometimes look at my life and think someone pinch me because I must be dreaming, it is good. I have a dream in my heart and I feel the Lord is leading me to take a huge step. I’m not ready to reveal it just yet but I will say that He confirms my desire daily through His prompting and encouragement from friends. One day…..it’s coming soon.
For today, He gave me awesome scriptures and I share them with you, hope you find encouragement and strength in His word.
Psalm 112:4-7 Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man. Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely, who conducts his affairs with justice. Surely he will never be shaken; a righteous man will be remembered forever. He will have no fear of bad news, his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
Psalm 28:7 The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trust in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.
Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Psalm 56:3-4 When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?
Genesis 28:15 I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.
How can I help being excited after reading promises such as these. He holds my future.
Please pray this week as I finish my initial radiation treatment. I have 5-7 extra treatments focused on the area the cancer returned. I continue with chemotherapy, my body is handling the treatments and I praise God for my stamina. In addition, I have an MRI scheduled on Tuesday. I had some blurry vision in my right eye this past Thursday. The doctor wants to make sure all is well. I have not had any problems before or since. I’m confident that all is well but not willing to take any chances so I will spend Tuesday at Medical City. Thank you for your continued prayers.
Before I expand on the title let me say that I had an awesome week. My sweet sister, Pam, and her daughter, Amber, flew to Dallas for a Girls Weekend. It was such a sweet time of rest and girl time, ie. shopping. Loved it!!! Still trying to talk Amber into a pair of cowboy boots but she’s too cool. Pam and I on the other hand bought hook, line and sinker. We can totally pull them off. Now on to to a little 2-step around the dance floor. With one look at my boots, my dance card will be filling up quickly.
We had a great visit and they were also able to visit with family in Dallas. My heart is full from their visit. They were a huge help with some things that I needed done that only a sister can do for you. We spent one afternoon in treatment and I was glad that Amber was able to see that process and know that I’m o.k. It isn’t all the drama we see on t.v. Although we did have a little drama, we watched a chic flick while I got Jenn’s Juice. Hey what can I say, that’s what happens when there are no boys!
Wednesday came and it was time to return them to their boys. It was bittersweet, I was grateful for our time but wanted to keep them forever. I’m a smart girl, I knew I could never win that one with Delton (husband and father). So I graciously surrendered them to the plane that would return them home. Of course we planned our next visit before they left, we are girls after all, we always have a plan.
Then it happens….PMS. Yes, you can still have pms and cancer. I will admit I have been in a cranky mood the past 2 days. Some have been concerned about my “Cancer Sucks” comment on twitter. Who knew so many were reading? Let me explain, I decided that instead of being grumpy with others I would direct my “grumpiness” toward cancer. I think they call that channeling, I call it survival at this point. I truly am good. I’ve learned that I have to be smarter than my feelings sometimes and sometimes there’s no other way to describe it. Thank you to my friends who have shared many laughs over my “PMS” transparency. It happens. I’m still a woman, boobs or no boobs, hair or no hair, somethings never change. (sorry men, you probably didn’t want to read that last line.)
“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” – 2 Corinthians 10:3-5
Oh what a week, I think I love weeks like this. I’ll let you know later. I’ve had a really sweet time with the Lord this week. Particularly one day as I was driving reflecting on the previous day. The subject of dating had been the topic amongst some friends. We had a great conversation and it never hurts to let them know that you’re available for introductions to eligible bachelors. So as I was driving the next day I found myself in conversation with the Lord, and the words came out of my mouth, ‘I’m ok having cancer but not ok being single.’ Now, it took me a minute because I couldn’t believe I had just really said that. But it was out there and I couldn’t take it back if I tried. It wouldn’t matter, He already knew because he knows my thoughts and I’ve thought it plenty of times. I decided to leave that conversation in the car and went on with my evening. Trust me, I knew better than to think it was over, He was just going to let me chew on my words for a while. And I did.
The next morning, I found myself reading His word and you guessed it, here it comes….’Jennifer, do you trust me?’ I’m a little stubborn, so this isn’t the first time He’s asked me that. I recognized His voice clearly, even more so when He took me to His word that he had given me a year ago. I love it when He takes me back, it always reminds that He never forgets. So we continued our conversation. (I’ll share a little but you aren’t privied to the whole thing.) One might think that I had this great intense time with the Lord, and sometimes I do but this one was quite humorous to me as we shared some laughs over the subject. Sometimes that’s how we are. I won’t soon forget this conversation, as I prayerfully surrendered and laid my anxious heart at the cross. I laughed out loud at my next comment to him. In typical Jenn fashion, I reminded him that I’m sure I’ll be back to pick it up and carry it on my own because that’s what I do. We laughed and he reminded me that He already knows.
I share this to be transparent and for accountability. I know I’m not alone. Many of my friends and I have shared this conversation with one another and we all struggle. He loves us just the same and has a plan so much bigger than ours. To our married friends, we know you have lots of ‘advise’ and we love that you care for us so much to encourage us. But trust me when I say, we’ve heard it all. Keep it coming though because one of these days we’re going to write the book and you don’t want to be left out. I say that with a light heart and laughter, no offense meant to anyone. The grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it.
And one final word, I found this last night and have to share:
My Paper Heart
How do I start this? I am in awe of what the Lord has done in me. This has been the hardest, scariest, most rewarding year of my life. I have known sorrow and I have known joy. God has spoken quietly the words of His heart and He has shown me colors in the grayest hues of winter. He has sung songs over me in solitude and He has never let go of my fragile, paper heart. He knows every corner of it – the tattered, torn and untouched places. He knows the songs that move it, the words that pierce it and the people He uses to change it. I am forever safe in His hands. In turn I say to you. Beloved, let Him romance you with the things that He alone knows will take your breath away. He longing for you. Can you hear Hm calling?
Francesca Battistelli
My Paper Heart
“Trust God from the bottom of your heart don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go, he’s the one who will keep you on track.” — Proverbs 3:5-6 (The Message)
I took a bold step for me over the past 2 days, no hair! That’s right, I left the wig at home and opted to wear a scarf instead. It has been awesome. Co-workers and friends have been so supportive. I even went out 2 nights in a row without the wig. The best moment was this morning when my radiation tech came over to me while I waited my turn and said, “I didn’t realize that wasn’t your hair”. My wig stands the test, it looks so real.
I’m doing well, had a good check-up with Dr. Laidley (surgeon) this morning. I asked about reconstructive surgery and she says it will be 4-6 months after radiation. That did not thrill me at all. I was hoping to start much sooner. We’ll see, I’m praying that my skin heals quickly and we’re able to get that started sooner than later.
I love being back at work, Fellowship Technologies, lovingly referred to as 6363. I am truly blessed to work with a family. It is place I look forward to going to every day. They have been incredibly supportive and fun to be with. My team and I have had the best time making fun of cancer. Not to be mean but to truly understand it has no power in my life and therefore we don’t take ourselves too seriously. Laughter is the best medicine and we have plenty for all. I love working there.
Tomorrow completes week 2 of 12 for this course of chemo. I continue to pray for healing and that this course of treatment will prevail. God continues to show his mercy and grace with each twist and turn along this journey and I am grateful for that. He is my Great Physician.
Approach this day with awareness of who is boss. As you make plans for the day, remember that it is I who orchestrate the events of your life. On days when things go smoothly, according to your plans, you may be unaware of My sovereign Presence. On days when your plans are thwarted, be on the lookout for Me! I may be something important in your life, something quite different from what you expected. It is essential at such times to stay in communication with Me, accepting My way as better than yours. Don’t try to figure out what is happening. Simply trust Me and thank Me in advance for the good that will come out of it all. I know the plans I have for you, and they are good.
Jesus Calling
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” — Isaiah 55:9
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” — Jeremiah 29:11
This time in January will always hold a special place in my heart. So I’m not surprised at what God has been showing me lately. It’s funny how certain times we’re more aware of something than we are at other times. For instance, lately I’ve been keenly aware of men. (Not what you’re thinking) I have been in many situations where I’ve had the opportunity to observe them interact with women. Some specific instances have been while their wife, girlfriend, friend or sister is battling cancer. Though, they may never utter a word in my presence, I can’t help but hear them. They exude compassion and strength. There’s something that communicates “I will do anything to protect her”. They are in the battle. At the same time they watch her with amazement as she exudes strength. She is in the fight of her life and he wants nothing more than to protect her from the war that is raging against her.
As I watch and observe I realize they are responding in their purest nature. God has wired them to respond this way over women. It’s to love her as Christ loves. This isn’t something you can create, it is in pure essence, love. He is the protector, he was given that role and desire by our Creator. It’s who he is and what he does.
Men, I watch in silence but I want to praise you publicly and say you have a tough role in this battle but you continue to be my heroes. You love her and stand by her while everything in you is raging with anger against something you cannot fight against. That can’t be easy. Some days, Iam moved to tears as I watch men sit with her as she fights for her life. Thank you.
To my girlfriends, be grateful for the men in our lives, no matter the relationship status and thank them for standing in the gap for us. No matter what our battle may be; may we remember that God has created them with a natural desire to protect us. I am amazed day after day at the compassion that men have for us as we fight this war raging against us.
totally surprised tonight by amazing friends, who pulled off the ultimate surprise birthday party. Thanks to all!!! I had the best night.Jenn says:3 days ago
Oh well, these will have to do…..
